Title: This Marine's Not Worthy
Rating: G
Spoilers: None
Summary: Mac feels she's not worthy enough for a certain Sailor. How will she deal with this?
Author’s Notes: In my universe, the Admiral never liked Mac in “that” way! Also, Renee never existed. I wasn’t sure when Little AJ was born, so I made up the day.

A teardrop escaped unnoticed down the face of the Marine. She silently placed a sealed envelop on the night stand. Taking one last look at the handsome Sailor asleep, she whispered, “I’m sorry, Harm. I love you but I can’t marry you...”

Sarah MacKenzie slipped out the door hoping she gave the only man she ever loved a chance to love someone worthy.

*************

“Commander Rabb!” Harm looked up when Tiner called out to him. “Sir, Admiral Chegwidden would like to see you.” Harm nodded slowly as if on auto-pilot. “Commander, are you all right?”

“What?” Harm asked. “Oh yeah. Just fine, Petty Officer.” He handed Tiner his briefcase and cover. “If you would...”

“Sure thing, Commander,” Tiner replied watching Harm head toward their CO’s office. *What’s wrong with him?* He wondered in confusion as Lieutenant Bud Roberts called his name. “Sir?”

“Is Commander Rabb in yet?”

“He’s with the Admiral, Sir.”

Bud nodded and walked over to his CO’s office just as Harm was leaving. The Commander’s head was hung low and he didn’t hear Bud calling his name. Either that or Bud was being ignored.

He wondered what could be wrong with his new partner. *Must be thinking about his marriage to Colonel MacKenzie.* He chuckled. “He’s more collected than I was.”

************

Harm had heard Bud call him. He just couldn’t deal with him. Sighing, he sat at his desk and took a letter from his pocket. Fresh tears formed in his eyes as he read it for the what seemed like the hundredth time.

“Harm, I have tried a dozen ways to tell you this but I realized that I couldn’t do it to your face. I know what you’re thinking. ‘What happened to that Sempre Fi Kickass Jarhead attitude?’

Well, it’s still here, but hidden away behind plain old Sarah MacKenzie. She’s scared Harm. Scared for you because you could do so much better than her... than me.

I am angry at myself for doing this to you; two days before our wedding no less. I think that is what made me realize that I can’t go through with this. I feel like I’m holding you back and I love you too much to do that to you.

I want to thank you for helping me come to terms with my past and teaching me to love. Please forgive me, Harmon Rabb, Jr, and go on with your life. -Sarah”

“Sarah MacKenzie, you are the best."

************

Bud knocked on the Admiral’s door. He had been waiting all day for a chance to see him. Harm had not spoken to him all day and his friend looked... lost. “Enter,” AJ said. “At ease, Lieutenant. What can I do for you?”

“Sir, is there something wrong with Commander Rabb? He hasn’t said much and when he does he seems so distant.”

“Mr. Roberts, Colonel MacKenzie is on leave indefinitely. Although, I didn’t know about it until this morning,” AJ replied.

“Sir...?” Bud questioned. “What do you mean by indefinitely?”

AJ shrugged. “I’m not entirely certain what happened myself. Mac had tendered her resignation to me through Harm. She also stated something about she not being worthy enough for the Commander.”

“Are you saying that Colonel MacKenzie left JAG and Commander Rabb?”

“That’s exactly what I am saying, Bud,” AJ responded sadly.

*************

Harm entered his quiet apartment. He was quite depressed about being back in the place he and Mac had first come together. He walked over to his bed and gingerly swept his hand over the surface. “Mac... how could you do this to yourself. To us?”

He went to a drawer looking for some sweats when he spotted a shirt that wasn’t his. USMC. Mac’s shirt. “God Mac, you haven’t been gone one day and I miss you already,” he whispered into it. Harm’s heart was breaking. He lost the one person he had loved more than anything in the world.

*************

Harm woke up to the sound of knocking on his door. Looking at the clock he realized who it was and got up to answer it. “Mom, Frank,” he said.

“Harmon Rabb, what a sour puss you are!” Trish exclaimed. “Here you are two days before your wedding and you’re moping around in sweats!”

She gave her son a quick hug and looked for signs of Mac. “Sweetheart, where’s your lovely wife-to-be?” Before Harm could reply, Trish began talking about the wedding again. “Oh, Chloe is going to look beautiful in that dress Sarah chose for her...”

Harm tuned her out and Frank noticed that his stepson was out of it. “Harm,” he said putting a hand on his shoulder. “Are you all right?”

He nodded slightly. “Mom.” No reply. “Mom.”

“TRISH!” Frank yelled.

“Goodness, Frank, I’m right here you don’t need to yell!” Trish then turned to face her son and the smile was quickly wiped off her face. “Harm, what’s the matter?”

His eyes were filled with pain and sadness. The only other time she saw that look was when they learned Harm Sr. wasn’t returning home.

“Mac...” he whispered.

“Is she hurt, missing?” Trish interrupted.

“Trish, let the man speak.”

“Sorry, sweetheart. Go on.”

Harm took a deep breath. “She left me,” he told them. His voice cracked as he explained the letter. “She doesn’t want me to marry her because she doesn’t think she’s worthy.”

***********

Mac laid awake in her bed. She was staying in her uncle’s home. A neighbor had been keeping it up for him while he was in Levenworth. Before she started seeing Harm intimately, she had insomnia. When they began sleeping together, she could lie in his arms and fall asleep instantly.

Now... well, now the insomnia was back. *Pull yourself together, Marine! This was your idea! Remember you’re not worthy enough for him!*

That’s what her head kept telling her. Her heart, however, was telling her to return to Washington DC. Being as stubborn as she was, Mac chose to remain in Arizona.

Mac sighed and sat up. She put a hand on the mound that was forming. In about six months she and Harm would be parents. “Oh God, how can I be a mother? I have no wonderful role models like Harm did. I have to tell him eventually. He has a right to know.”

But how do you tell the man you left that you were pregnant with his child?

****************

Chegwidden sat back in his chair. The last two months had been hard for those under his command. With Commander Rabb being so distant and Lieutenant Colonel Sarah MacKenzie gone, everyone seemed to be on edge.

AJ was happy though that Harm hadn’t let his personal feelings get in the way of his job. Well, maybe not happy, but he was glad that the man was able to keep a professional front of sorts.

He thought of Mac. She was so much more worthy than she gave herself credit for. No one deserved to be happy more than she or Harm. AJ sat up when an idea came to him.

With Mac not leaving any clues as to where she was, this Admiral knew the one person he could call on. “Tiner,” he said into the intercom. “Get me Levenworth. Tell them I need to speak with Matthew O'Hara. Admiral’s Privilege.”

“Aye, Sir!”

AJ smiled. This was going to work out fine in the end.

************

The white rental car pulled into the O'Hara driveway as Mac went outside. She squinted in the sun, trying to figure out who it was. When the tall bald man got out, she gasped. “Close your mouth, Colonel, you’ll let flies in,” he quipped. He gasped himself when he saw her ‘state’.

“Admiral, I should say the same to you,” Mac laughed.

Fifteen minutes later, the two were sitting on the porch. “Mac, I don’t know what possessed you to leave the way you did, but you left a broken man back there. Harm has been so distant since you left. He is even starting to wonder if he is worth anything.”

Mac could only stare at him. “Why did you assume you weren’t worthy? You are!  You are like children to me. I love you both as much as I love Francesca.” AJ smiled. “You know, I could order you back to DC, but I’d prefer that you’d be willing to come with me. Not for my sake, but for Harm’s, your’s, and the baby’s.”

Mac was silent as the tears streamed down her face. She realized what she had done. “Oh God! Harm is not going to want me back. Not after all I’ve put him through!”

“Mac, don’t even think that. Harm needs you and you need him."

**************

Harm still couldn’t believe the Admiral made him the acting JAG. Especially with the way he’d been the past two months. With Mac gone, the only thing that kept Harm going was work. He looked up from the desk when he sensed someone was there.

“Yes, Harriet?” he asked.

“Sir, I wanted to remind you about little AJ’s birthday party this evening. You are still coming, aren’t you?”

Harm smiled. “Of course, Harriet. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

“Great!” Harriet exclaimed. “I’ll see you later, then. Good bye, Sir.”

“Bye, Harriet.”

***********

“Mac, are you going in or do I have to drag you?” Mac sighed. She and the Admiral had been standing outside Harm’s building for exactly 43 minutes and 15 seconds. “Little AJ’s party is at 1930. You might want to go in there before he leaves and notices you.”

Mac nodded. “You’re right, Sir.” She turned to face him and gave him a warm smile. “Thank you, AJ.”

***********

Harm had just finished getting ready when there was a knock at the door. Without looking to see who it was, he threw it open. “May I help-- Mac!” His eyes widened at the sight of her. “Sarah, you’re-- you’re...”

“Pregnant,” Mac finished. She waited for the angry words, the screaming, but instead Harm began to cry. “Harm?” she asked cautiously.

“Oh God, I thought I had lost you forever,” he whispered, pulling Mac into his arms.

Mac sighed in contentment. *It feels so right to be in his arms.* Mac began to cry as well. “Harm,” she said.

“Hmm?”

“Harm, I don’t want to hold you back."

Harm pulled Mac away from himself and looked into her eyes. “Sarah, I never, in my life, want to hear those words from your lips! Is that understood? You are the one I love, the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. Most importantly, you are the mother of my child. And that makes me love you all the more.”

“I love you, Harm!” Mac exclaimed giving him the kiss of her life.

After the two were able to catch their breath, Harm said, “We’d better leave for Little AJ’s party, Ninja Girl, or I won’t be able to hold myself back.”

“How dare you speak that way in front of our child, Mr. Rabb!” Mac admonished, smacking his arm.

Harm shrugged. “Aw, it’s all right, he’ll learn plenty more from when he gets older, I’m sure.”

“And who said this baby is going to be a boy?”

“Me.”

“Now there’s a reliable source,” Mac said sarcastically.

“All right, that’s enough! Lets go, Marine.”

“Right behind you, Sailor,” Mac replied. Silently she added, “Always.”
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